Menopause and Me.
I have been meaning to write this for a while but always floundered after the first sentence. How was I supposed to sum up all those things I was feeling? The emotions, frustrations, sadness and fear as well as the hot flushes, insomnia and night sweats? The sudden inability to function, the feeling of being lost and the feeling of not being me any more. Never mind the guilt and shame of no longer being fertile, mourning all those children that I would never hold close and breathe in that newborn smell. The feeling of guilt over wanting more even though we had our ‘miracle’ child when so many others are not so lucky. Trying to function as a wife and mother when I felt so ill. Balancing on a tightrope. Treading on eggshells. Losing my marbles. Feeling lost. Alone……..
When Did I Notice I was starting to go through the Menopause?
When I was around 34 years old I began to put on weight. Skipped the odd cycle. Never thought anything of it until I remarried when I was 38 & we wanted to add to our family. Without going into great details we miscarried, I suffered from hot flushes and then I discovered that my blood results showed I was well on my way through the menopause. After Chinese medicine & acupuncture, organic diet and eating a combination of different ‘natural’ things our natural miracle daughter was born in 2010. For two years I was breastfeeding and my hormones seemed ok. But a few months after she self weaned I found the symptoms were back with a vengeance.
Although we had our daughter I so wanted more children but as the months turned into years I was faced with a dilemma. Did I pursue the dream of a larger family or did I accept that my family was complete and start looking after myself? Last year, after much soul searching, I decided that now in my mid 40’s it was probably time to look forward instead of back.
There is one person who does not know how much influence she had on me. I met her at a conference and I was having yet another hot flush and feeling ill. I apologised to her for fanning myself with a leaflet and she just gave me a really empathetic smile and said “I call them my Mediterranean Moments.” Suddenly I no longer felt isolated and alone.
This was the catalyst I needed and a few months later I saw our family doctor. I was prescribed Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and more recently another medication too. Within the matter of a few months I have found myself again! My confidence as a person and as a mother has grown. I am no longer so emotional and I feel that I can support our teenage son and four year old daughter more. Yes I still have off days, but the insomnia, night sweats and hot flushes have almost gone. I seem to smile more which makes my husband happy.
Embracing the Change.
This has been the most difficult part but I am beginning to ’embrace the change’. My focus has switched from my ‘ideal fantasy’ family to my ‘real, here and now’ family. My confidence is high and I am back to writing, blogging and creating more than ever. I have a ‘grand plan’ for the next few years as well. I am so aware that my children’s childhood is fleeting and now is the time to enjoy having both of them at home with me. Yes I am also aware that in less than ten years time I will have to stop my medication and there is a possibility that my symptoms will return, but I am no longer afraid. I now know that going through the menopause early has not made me less of a woman, wife or mother. In fact I feel stronger and look towards the future with a fresh outlook and appreciation for what I have, what I am and what I will be. And because of this I am not only thankful but feel privileged that I have been given this opportunity to really appreciate and love the family I have and be content within.
You could say that I am truly ‘Embracing the Change.’
This post is part of a blog hop featured by Dirt and Boogers – The Seasons of Motherhood. Read more honest and true life stories by visiting her new website or clicking on the image below.